


deep inside

by Niki



Series: Fear of Ghosts [5]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan, the night before, once again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	deep inside

Shepard had never been a big believer in omens or portents of the future, even less of fate and destiny. 

He still didn't think he was going to live through this war. 

They were damn well going to win this, no other options. He just didn't think he was going to see the other side. Maybe it was the dream that felt more like the beacon-induced vision nightmares than a regular nightmare. Maybe he was just starting to believe his own hype, and the hero who came back to fulfil a mission would always, always die.

But he would be damned if Kaidan didn't live through this. He was the most important thing. The whole of Galaxy represented in a pair of brown eyes. The world had to be saved, so that Kaidan could live. It was that simple. Well, the Reapers had also pissed him off, so they had to die, but, hey, two birds with one Crucible.

Having had the other man by his side in a fight and in his bed every night was the only thing keeping him grounded. They didn't even have energy for sex most nights and yet he craved the man's presence. The others must have known something was going on, but no one said anything to his face, not even Joker or Garrus, so he didn't bring it up either. 

When Kaidan came to him that last night before their attack on the Cerberus base to take down the Illusive Bastard and his people once and for all, Shepard couldn't help but think about the night before Ilos or the night before their suicide mission through the Omega 4 Relay. His good luck charm, a night of passion with a certain biotic? He'd take it. 

He wanted everything that night, he wanted slow and tender, he wanted fast and rough, and he never wanted to fall asleep, never wanted the night to end. 

He'd never get enough of him, and it wasn't fair that this would most likely be the last time. Part of him wanted to leave Kaidan on the ship, to be as safe as one could get in the circumstances. The rest of him knew he fought better when the other man was there by his side, covering his back, always where he could see him, and know he was still alive. 

After Kaidan fell asleep he carefully removed his dog tags and replaced them with his own. A sentimental gesture, perhaps, but it was more than a memento to him. Sure, it was good to think the other man would have a part of him if he never came back, but his reasons were much more practical.

If someone found a burnt corpse with those tags... maybe they'd give him a decent burial. And maybe... maybe if he was still alive he would get better care. It was all he could do to protect him beyond guarding his back in the field. And – yes – he felt good, taking Kaidan's tags with him when he went. 

Call him sentimental, then. 

\- - -

They had been running towards the Reaper beam with everything they had, but suddenly he was running into the other direction, even faster. Kaidan was down, hit by a flying tank.

“I need an evac, Joker!” 

He wasn't badly hurt, thank the spirits, the goddess, whats-her-face drell goddess and even the damn Enkindlers, and could walk with just a little aid from Shepard towards the Normandy. And of course the man refused to be left behind, damn him. 

He wanted to tell him he'd only slow him down, that he'd work faster alone... but if this was his last moment with the man...

He walked to him, grabbed his face with his gauntleted hands like he had so long ago on Horizon, and looked him in the eye.

“No matter what happens,” he said. “Know that I love you. Always.”

Kaidan's eyes were shining with unshed tears, of pain or because of his words he didn't know.

“I love you, too,” he said, quietly, raising his own hand to touch his face, and just for a second Shepard closed his eyes, savouring the words he never thought he wanted to hear. 

He leaned in for a kiss, not caring about the fact that James was right there, holding Kaidan up.

“Take him,” he ordered, Commander back in his voice, and with a last glance he was off, running towards the death and mayhem, knowing Kaidan would live if only he managed to get to the Citadel to use the Crucible. 

And failure was not an option.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want your happy ending unproblematic and unambiguous, this is where the story ends. You can imagine a Destroy ending after which Kaidan shows up in a hospital asking for his tags back, thank you, you bloody thief. 
> 
> But there is one more story in the series. Because for Seth Shepard, there is really only one Ending.


End file.
